Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sexual Abuse

I've gotta warn you ... This is a far heavier topic than normal. I've been on a roll lately with the issue of sex but its been pretty light hearted and hopefully encouraging. One of my followers just reminded me of a darker side to sex. I was 13 my first time with a boy at school (summer before high school) who was 16 and I had a big crush on him. I didn't look 13. We were down at the lake one night. It was not a great experience but certainly not traumatic. In fact, I asked my dad to give permission to go on the pill. To which my father replied "well you could have sex with me, I can't get you pregnant". That grossed me out. When I was younger and he was leaving for the week, he'd come say good bye to me and cop a feel. I developed very early and was in a training bra at 9. I didn't tell my mom though. But I did discover that I quite liked sex, even if it was for the wrong reasons. There were a lot of guys through high school and my 20's until I met Barry.

There were a lot of guys I regretted the day after but it was my choice. The bouncer at the club my girl and I frequented was the closest I ever came to date rape. He was juiced up on 'roids and I needed more then hey baby to get ready for him. I wanted him. Big bodybuilder with a killer south african accent. He liked my girtlfriend but settled for me. Stupid what we put up with sometimes. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't. I got scared. He eventually figured out that it simply wasn't going to work if he didn't get me wet enough. So we had sex, he left and I cried myself to sleep. And never saw him again.

Thankfully those are my worst sexual experiences and except for my dad, it was more a case of dumb choices. I did eventually tell my mom about dad but I think it was after he died.

But I know that there are an unbelievably large number of people (mostly women but not always) who have suffered actual sexual abuse, rape. Its unacceptable. What makes people (mostly men but not always) think that they are entitled to just take what they want with absolutely no regard for how it will affect the abused?

I am by no means qualified to say what should or should not be done about it. But I do know that suffering in silence helps no one. We all need to listen a little more closely to those who are trying to tell us something but they're afraid to.

For those who have experienced abuse, please speak to someone. Please don't be afraid. Whether the abuser is a family member, a co worker or a stranger, please talk to someone. Please don't suffer in silence.


  1. Sandy, I can't imagine the fear and emotional trauma you must have endured, my heart goes out to you. I'm not sure if one really works through such matters - but it seems that you are well on your way to not letting it affect your future.

    I think its most selfless and courageous of you to open up and share this. There are so many young girls out there that need to know that they are precious and NO ONE has the right to violate them or their body. Have you ever considered speaking at women's or homeless youth shelters- I think you could really make a difference in their lives!!! ..Hugs ..HHL

  2. This is the bravest post you've written, I'm very proud of you honey. It takes a lot of courage for someone to be this vulnerable in front of others.

    This past year has been an eye-opener for me. I've had countless conversations with girls and women in which they've confided various forms of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, mental). I'd say greater than 1 in 3 women I know have experienced this to various degrees at some point in their life, from childhood to marriage.

    It's hard hearing this, but as you say it's so important to talk about. I hope more women do for their own reasons. Sometimes just confiding in someone can set you on the road to healing.

  3. It is something extremely hard to talk about - especially when you are a child and it is happening to you.

    We are really clear with our children about the proper names for body parts, good touching vs bad touching and all of that because of what I went through as a child.

    When the bully across the street was touching me sexually and showing me pornography starting when I was 4 years old -- I never told anyone.

    I had told my parents (and his parents) that he was beating me up and hurting me (which he was) but since they were never able to stop him -- I never mentioned all the other things he did.

    That went on until I was about 10 or 11 years old.

    Not a great way to start out.

    As a teen and even an adult, I have been date raped as well as verbally and physically abused by some of my previous boyfriends.

    Now that I have a 10-year-old step-daughter and a 4-month-old daughter -- it sets off all sorts of things for me that having an 8-year-old son does not.


    Your post was very brave!

  4. Just when I think I can not admire you or adore you anymore you write a post like this. I was molested for years by a neighbor I developed early too, I had breasts when I was 9. I did not talk about it until recently when a was forced to confront it in therapy. Now I have realized that being silent for so long made me hateful and resentful. I am free now and I talk about it freely and unashamed, for years I blamed myself, but now I know better. Thank you for this post.