Monday, August 23, 2010

Sex and Intimacy

Ok so we're back to serious topics.

I'm not sure where to begin. Hell, I don't even know how it happened.

When Barry and I were dating, we had a good sex life. I had enjoyed sex. Or so I thought. I think in reality I had spent so many years using it as a crutch, as a "weapon" (against myself I think) that I'm not sure it was anything I truly enjoyed. I guess looking back on it some of my experiences when I was younger kinda messed me up. But one thing is for certain. I was head over heels in love with Barry. He was everything I looked for in a man. Kind, funny, good looking (even my "type" was a lot more muscular with longhair). He forced me to be more open and communicative. And I enjoyed being with him.

Then we got married and about 15 months later we moved in with my parents and although we basically had the basement, our sex life started to suffer. At first it was ok but there was so much tension, so much stress, that it was starting to become one more thing on my to do list. The stress of dealing with then caring for my parents was too much. I wasn't eating well, my workouts were good for a bit but then mom got sick and I gave those up. The weight started to pile on and the bigger I got the less interest I had in sex. This went on for years. It didn't help that our "clocks" were opposite.
But I gotta hand it to Barry. He stuck with me through the ups and downs, the weight gain, the depression, my parents, my brother (don't get me started on that one). It was so unfair. I'd push him away cauz his timing sucked and eventually he stopped trying. I don't blame him one bit.

I have a confession to make .. When he started blogging I was resentful. Something else to come between us. Never mind that I was my biggest obstacle. Never mind that he needed this. Blogging has done for him what I couldn't. It helped him through his accident aftermath. And that hurt. I was supposed to be his rock.

But the good news is that things have changed, I have a lot less stress in my life and I've lost enough weight and I'm eating much better and now I feel like I'm making up for lost time. LOL.

And in the future if things get overwhelming I'm gonna try something radical ... Are you ready for it??? I'm a gonna talk to my hubby and tell him how I'm feeling! Its just so crazy it might actually work. But I'm trying to set my life up so I don't encounter THAT again.

So I guess I would encourage the ladies that if life is getting the better of you and your sex drive is in the toilet, talk to your mate. Or a bff. Or a counsellor. Someone. Anyone. Don't make the same mistake and I did. Cauz I don't k now that most men would stick around and be faithful to someone so distant.

I wish a fulfilling, meaningful life for everyone. And if anyone tells you that sex (and I don't just mean intercourse) doesn't matter ... they're full of shit cauz it does. How do you have true intimacy without it?  Isn't that what separates a marriage from a brother-sister relationship?  It's easy to get into that rut.  I know a lot of women who say the same thing.

Now I'm not suggesting that you try to keep a guy this way. But if you're in a relationship, its one of the best parts.

So here's to great, fulfilling relationships .... All aspects.


  1. I'm sure your words have been felt by many of us readers .. in some form or other. Your openess is providing some great insight foe young women who are just coming to the end of teenage-hood ... and entering into woman-hood.

    I have said it before and I will say it again .. you should consider some form of life coaching... or speaking at high schools ... your openess would make such a difference in the lives of many young girls. Of course they will still make mistakes (WE all have )- but by being more aware perhaps it will lessen the impact on them .. and they will truly learn the first time .. and not repeat it... just a thought my friend..

    I think if you have not already done so that you should put a sticky on the mirror you use most to remind yourself "how , great and wonderful you are!" "That dress is going to look fabulous on you for the wedding - you could go without spanx - but you'll wear them just because you can!" Hugs to you my friend..HHL

  2. Baby you've always been my rock, you are now and you were then. When I was dealing with all those emotions after my accident you gave me space to hurt, and cry, and grow without ever questioning why I was feeling what I did. It meant everything to me and I'll never forget it.

    I love you so much.

  3. Loved this post. Can't say too much 'cause it makes me a bit emotional. Luv you guys

  4. I am relating to this post in more ways than one....