Mom

This is not going to be easy.  I really need to get away from these heavy subjects.  This will be the last of the series.  I miss the happy bouncy sex machine.  This is too much the old me.  I don't like her much.

I think it was August 24, 2008 (I'm a little fuzzy on the actual day) when she finally left us.  The last 4 years of my mom's life were hard on everyone.  The hardest decision of my life was to put her in a nursing home.  I felt like I failed her.  But I didn't have a choice.  I couldn't quit my job, I couldn't afford to have someone here full time.  She needed to be taken care of and I couldn't do it. 

She was a very strong woman though.  She had diabetes for 37 years.  3 heart attacks.  5 mini strokes.  parkinsons.  leukemia.  vascular dementia (brought on by the strokes).  high blood pressure.  depression.  i think that's it.

I sometimes feel a little cheated with my parents.  They were 37 and 42 when I was born.  Which is one of the biggest reasons I vowed not to have kids after the age of 30.  I missed out on their more vibrant years.  The biggest benefit was financial.  They were a lot more stable.  My brother talks about what it was like growing up.  I can't relate.  Things were much better by the time I came along.

My mom, like so many, could be so toxic sometimes.  How we survived each other, especially through my teens, I'll never know.  I remember her grabbing the phone out of my hand one day and hanging up on the guy I was talking to.  Never mind that I was 13 and he was 19.  His family was from Britain but he was born with black skin.  I couldn't care less.  My dad on the other hand .... and Mom was always trying to keep the peace.  So I threw a temper tantrum.  Not pretty for a 2 year old, never mind a 13 year old.

I remember her teaching me how to dance.  I wish I had paid more attention.  I remember jumping into bed with her on a weekend morning.  We'd snuggle under the covers and talk.  She wanted so much for me and always tried to steer me in the right direction but I knew better, as most kids do.  NOT! 

She made me costumes when I was little for Hallowe'en.  She loved flowers even though she didn't like to garden.  She was so happy to see me start gardening.  She always said Dad would be so proud of me.  He never saw how much I enjoyed it.  Those who knew my parents have said how proud they would be if they saw what I've done to the place.

We threw a party for her 70th birthday.  Completely surprised her.  It was great.  I was happy to be able to do something nice for her.  And we threw a 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents a couple of years after that.  We managed to get family pics at a local park that summer.  It was so nice to have the family together.  That was a few years before Dad died.

Today was a really emotional day.  I tend to ignore things for a while and then all of a sudden they hit me.  I looked at the calendar this morning and noticed that next week it'll be 2 years since mom died.  I used to talk to her about all kinds of things before she went into the nursing home.  At least I still have my sister, for which I am very grateful, even though I haven't talked to her in a while.  Our Sundays have been stupid lately.    Every time I started to talk about mom I'd start crying.  It's just my way of dealing with this.

So thanks for listening.  It's helped a lot.  Thank you.