Wednesday, August 18, 2010


This is not going to be easy.  I really need to get away from these heavy subjects.  This will be the last of the series.  I miss the happy bouncy sex machine.  This is too much the old me.  I don't like her much.

I think it was August 24, 2008 (I'm a little fuzzy on the actual day) when she finally left us.  The last 4 years of my mom's life were hard on everyone.  The hardest decision of my life was to put her in a nursing home.  I felt like I failed her.  But I didn't have a choice.  I couldn't quit my job, I couldn't afford to have someone here full time.  She needed to be taken care of and I couldn't do it. 

She was a very strong woman though.  She had diabetes for 37 years.  3 heart attacks.  5 mini strokes.  parkinsons.  leukemia.  vascular dementia (brought on by the strokes).  high blood pressure.  depression.  i think that's it.

I sometimes feel a little cheated with my parents.  They were 37 and 42 when I was born.  Which is one of the biggest reasons I vowed not to have kids after the age of 30.  I missed out on their more vibrant years.  The biggest benefit was financial.  They were a lot more stable.  My brother talks about what it was like growing up.  I can't relate.  Things were much better by the time I came along.

My mom, like so many, could be so toxic sometimes.  How we survived each other, especially through my teens, I'll never know.  I remember her grabbing the phone out of my hand one day and hanging up on the guy I was talking to.  Never mind that I was 13 and he was 19.  His family was from Britain but he was born with black skin.  I couldn't care less.  My dad on the other hand .... and Mom was always trying to keep the peace.  So I threw a temper tantrum.  Not pretty for a 2 year old, never mind a 13 year old.

I remember her teaching me how to dance.  I wish I had paid more attention.  I remember jumping into bed with her on a weekend morning.  We'd snuggle under the covers and talk.  She wanted so much for me and always tried to steer me in the right direction but I knew better, as most kids do.  NOT! 

She made me costumes when I was little for Hallowe'en.  She loved flowers even though she didn't like to garden.  She was so happy to see me start gardening.  She always said Dad would be so proud of me.  He never saw how much I enjoyed it.  Those who knew my parents have said how proud they would be if they saw what I've done to the place.

We threw a party for her 70th birthday.  Completely surprised her.  It was great.  I was happy to be able to do something nice for her.  And we threw a 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents a couple of years after that.  We managed to get family pics at a local park that summer.  It was so nice to have the family together.  That was a few years before Dad died.

Today was a really emotional day.  I tend to ignore things for a while and then all of a sudden they hit me.  I looked at the calendar this morning and noticed that next week it'll be 2 years since mom died.  I used to talk to her about all kinds of things before she went into the nursing home.  At least I still have my sister, for which I am very grateful, even though I haven't talked to her in a while.  Our Sundays have been stupid lately.    Every time I started to talk about mom I'd start crying.  It's just my way of dealing with this.

So thanks for listening.  It's helped a lot.  Thank you.


  1. Having lost my father a few months after being home from the hospital (my accident) I can relate to the emptiness one feels. I think more so like you and your mom - My Father and I made peace about our differences much later in our lives. But know that you can speak to your Mother anytime... ask her anything and if you are able to open your mind enough (which I feel you are) you will get the answers you seek.... Blessings to you my dear friend..HHL

  2. It is hard. I cared for my Mom in her home for only a few months after her cancer returned and on Oct 5th, 20o4 she had to go into a palliative care facility where she passed away on Nov 2nd. But by the end she needed 2 strong people to lift her because of her greatly reduced mobility due to spinal problems. So believe me, I understand.
    My parents were 42 (Mom) and 47 (Dad) the year I was born which was when they got me as a foster child.
    Dad died when I was 20 (going on 21) and Mom when I had just turned 32.
    That's why T & I are trying to get healthier considering we turn 38 & 43 this year and, as you know, had a baby in March.
    I cry about my Mom more than my Dad these days because, despite the fact she was in my life longer - I never really got to know her as well as I feel I did my Dad & Mom and I weren't really close until after my Dad died.
    It's hard to know they are missing things in our lives - even when one believes in any sort of afterlife *HUG*

  3. OH Sandy, first off this is your blog so if you need to get "heavy" you go ahead, that is what we are here for. ONe of my greatest fears is the death of my mother, she is my rock, my everything but I know it is inevitable as this is life and this things happen. I can only imagine what is must be like. All I can say is stay strong and remember your mom for all those happy moments you had with her. Secondly do not feel bad about having to put her in a nursing home, I have been around nursing homes and stuff like that for a good while now as a caregiver, and let me tell you sometimes its better to let admit that we can not do it all, we can not take proper care of our loved ones and let them go to a place where they can get what they deserve, that takes GUTS, that takes COURAGE, and that makes you a GOOD daughter. I know this is getting long, but let me tell you someting, my grandmother is still alive at 78 and she is sick and needs constant care but my aunts are stuck on taking care of her, the thing is she is NOT TAKEN CARE OF AT ALL, I have tried getting my mom to convince the, to get help, at least a caregiver, or a nurse but they refuse, ultimately they are only hurting her more by being so selfish. Anyway I'll leave you with this last though, I send you warm wishes of wellness hugs and cyber kisses!! May you be well my sweet Sandy :)!!